January 10, year 4026
Today I did it. Today was the day where I should cross the government’s right and rules. I fucked their oh-so-well-written laws – well, not literally of course.
I was standing in the train on my way home. The train had stopped on a station, and as the doors closed and the train was about to drive on, a little boy suddenly jumped up and ran to the door – but too late. He didn’t sat back down, as I had expected, but instead he stood firmly by the door, his back turned on me. At first I didn’t really think about think about it, but then suddenly I heard a sob and then another. It wasn’t much, but there was no doubt he was crying. I got paralyzed, didn’t know what to do. I knew I should help him and that I would hate myself for the rest of my days if I didn’t, but it was just so hard to pull myself together. I discussed with my better ego for two minutes (two fucking minutes!) before taking action. I kindly asked him if he should have been off on the previous station, and he nodded a yes back – he didn’t say anything, so I continued telling him how to get back there. When we eventually reached the next station, he got off to wait for the next train. He didn’t look back, nor did he say anything (the act of the government), but I didn’t care. I was too busy trying to keep my lunch inside of my stomach. I could barely manage to stand, my whole body was shaking so scared I had been. Yes, scared! Scared of breaking the laws, scared of helping someone? No, if only it had been so. I was scared of crossing my own limit. A limit created by the government – again ruler and destroyer of my life. When I eventually recovered I discovered that nobody had even looked up to see, what was going on. They didn’t care! I mean, what if it had been their child? Oh wait, they probably wouldn’t help anyway. Take care of yourself; that’s the unwritten rule nowadays.
I felt sick as I eventually returned home. My sister was a bully as always, so I quickly disappeared into my room to think; to write. It seems like these pages help me control my confusion about myself.